Setting My Mind Free: The Prayer

airplane wing

I can’t make this stuff up.

Today is Tuesday, May 23rd and I’m on a plane headed to Denver for a three day meeting for the National Performance Network’s LANE (Leveraging A Network of Equity) program. It’s been a rocky morning. I left home a little late, morning traffic was a little thick so that mixed with my lateness, I was about 10 minutes late to the Park N Fly. Arrived at the airport, then one of there employees tells me to go to a different checkpoint (#3) and I knew that was taken me further away from my gate, but I went with the flow. Arrived at where my favorite bagel shop should have been but is no longer. It’s being replaced with some entertainment business. Settled for the restaurant near where I was, only to have servers ignore me for about 10 minutes. After getting my food 20 minutes after I ordered it. I made my way down to the gate listed on my boarding pass only to realize they changed the gate and instead of 4 it was 1. Board the plane and tell a man he’s in my seat and when he gives me this look of confidence. I look at my boarding pass and realized I was wrong. Then for no reason at all I struggled to get my headphones, my pillow, my iPad out of my bag and to put my seatbelt on.

Breath…deep breaths…wuuuu saaaa…

Once settled, my bagel turned out to be good, they included a fruit cup, so that made me feel a little better about it costing me $12. Finished eating and decided I would work on writing part two (now part three) of the Setting My Mind Free blog. To reveal what it was that appeared in my head as I was sitting on the back deck watching the ferry, listening to the music of the waves, and feeling the radiant heat on my face.

Now I’m on this plane in a window seat, the sun is heating the side of my face. As we ease into the sky, I’m captivated by the beauty. I open my iPad and go to the notes app. Once in notes I decided to checkout some of the writings I had stored on there. Just to be reminded of what I had wrote and see if by chance any of the writings would spark something new for me to write. The first piece I came across was the notes for the podcast I recorded on Sunday. (Still working on creating a podcast so it’s not ready for the public yet but will be soon.) After reading part ways through I then navigated to the Notes on iPad section of the app. And believe you me I couldn’t believe I came across this piece I wrote on August 31, 2016.

Amen Amen Amen Amen

I’m starting my prayer at the end
Because that’s where my story begins
I’ve taken the steps in DC to approach you
As my feet hit the pavement
My fingers found your name
I was instantly drained

I made it this far
With you being the angel in my heart
As I have moved through time
Wondering, why mine

You were called
And you went
From protect and serve to
I promise to defend the constitution
To six feet deep with a cemented sign and grass covering
Your head to your feet

As my tears roll
I need a minute to vent
I need to get this off of my chest
Because I can’t let it rest

WHY DID THEY TAKE YOU FROM ME
NEVER CAN I LOOK INTO YOUR EYES
HEAR YOUR LAUGH
OR FEEL YOUR HEART BEAT NEXT TO MINE
I DON’T KNOW YOUR VOICE
OR IF YOUR SKIN IS SOFT OR ROUGH
ARE YOUR TEETH BRIGHT WHITE
OR DO THEY HAVE A HINT OF YELLOW
ARE YOUR FEET PRETTY
OR ARE YOUR DOGS CRUSTY
DO YOU WALK WITH SWAG
OR ARE YOU JUST A SHY GUY
WHAT DO YOU SMELL LIKE AFTER YOU WORK ON YOUR CAR
WHAT DO YOU SMELL LIKE WHEN YOU GO ON A DATE
WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE FOOD, COLOR, TIME OF YEAR
WHAT MAKES YOU SMILE
WHAT MAKES YOU SAD
WHAT WILL MAKE YOU KICK SOMEBODIES ASS

BROTHER WHY DON’T I KNOW THE TRUE YOU

I’m trapped in this world
Knowing you were here
You left before I appeared
I’m constantly longing for you to be near

Father God,
I come to you today
Asking you to give me strength as a pray
Let me forever feel his presence
Tell him I love him and I wish he were here

Dear Lord, I pray for the cousin they took away

Sitting on the deck on Whidbey Island, I thought I wasn’t searching for anything. I thought I just wanted to step away from the chaos of life and just be still. However, my mind on the deck and on the plane told me and showed me that it was time to share my connection to Brother with the world in an honest and loving way.

Trust yourself and don’t be afraid to set your mind free.

 

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Setting My Mind Free: The Prayer

Setting My Mind Free: Brother Brother

Setting My Mind Free: Brother Brother

I lied.

Sorry, I didn’t mean to not tell the truth but my mind has a mind of it’s own. I promise I didn’t lie on purpose.

If you had a chance to read my blog Setting My Mind Free, I said, my next post would be a continuum of that piece. Therefore, it was 1 of 2 pieces. Well after careful consideration, I want to let you know that Setting My Mind Free is 3 parts
instead of 2.

What had happened was???

I wrote the second piece and I was ready to publish it, but in reading it I thought that I needed to provide you with more of the supporting details of what was on my mind that day on Whidbey Island. Therefore, you are actually reading the third installment before you can read the second installment. Please bear with me and I ask that you trust me on this journey of Setting My Mind Free.

IMG_5125

Allow me to take you back a little bit, imagine that I’m back on Whidbey Island, the sun is making the water glisten and I’m sitting on the deck enjoying the summer time feel of the moment. As I begin to drift into my stillness, while allowing my breath and the sound of the waves that are surrounding me work it’s magic in helping my psyche become clear and open to whatever the universe prefers. I’m sitting on the top step of the deck looking forward and I slightly turn my head to the right and stare at the tide as it calmly pushes the water onto the sand. FREEZE…BE STILL…BREATHE….

There he is just above the water, Brother and I say aloud, “Hey Brother, wow what’s this about you haven’t shown up in my head and heart in a while”. Brother isn’t my brother but he’s my cousin, whom we call Brother. His given name is Joseph Earl Jackson. I don’t know how he got the nickname Brother. But in my family we also have Teacher, Daddy Sandy, Dool, Bird, etc. just to name a few.

Growing up from time to time someone would mention Brother at a family gathering but it would be quick. Never long enough for me to learn exactly who he was but enough to make me curious about what kind cousin he would be. You see, Brother died on September 10, 1970 during the Vietnam War. He was only 21 years old and had only been in the army for three months. He died five years before I was born, so I never had a chance to meet him. But as I say in my piece Truth Is, “Truth is…There are love ones that I would never get to know. Truth is…I love the lost love ones. Truth is…I think of them often.”

Jackson, Joseph Earl_Brother pic
PFC Joseph Earl Jackson aka Brother (pulled this pic from Virtual Vietnam Veterans Wall of Faces)

Around 2012, I started thinking about Brother a lot. It felt like I thought of him every day. I would ask random people in my family to tell me about him. The most I got out of anyone was my father, “He loved cars and he had the baddest car in Parkton, North Carolina. Yes, sir he was proud of his car”. There it is, there’s our connection my dream car is a 1966 Ford Mustang, actually any Ford Mustang at this point would get me really excited. If he was still here I would probably have my dream car by now and we would have this crazy relationship built around our unique love for Ford Mustangs.

When I think of Brother, I cry a little and I begin to miss him a lot. I know every time it happens it makes me feel weird because I never met him so how can I miss him so much. It’s like nothing I’ve ever felt before. I long for Brother and lord knows I’ve tried to figure out the why, plenty of times. I finally decided that it’s an emotional reaction that I won’t ever be able to explain. I’m trying to teach myself to stop asking why and be grateful that there are times when I know he is with me.

I recognize that times like this when I set my mind free and I allow it to go in the direction that it so chooses. I have to trust the journey and recognize that in this moment this is exactly what I’m suppose to be thinking about. My mind wanted me to remember my hero, BROTHER. I don’t need to question or dignify that to anyone or myself. I love my cousin and I’m reminded that time and time again in these moments. I may not know much about him, but I know he lives in me.

Thank you to all the soldiers and military families. I salute you for your service.

(Truthfully, I didn’t realize that Memorial Day was about to happen, when this happened.)

I will release the final part to Setting My Mind Free later this week.

 

 

 

 

Setting My Mind Free: Brother Brother